Okay, now you just can’t go for a Karan Johar movie and expect intellectual stimulation. So don’t expect wonders when you’re watching KANK.

I was keen to watch the movie on the day it was released (for some reason I have this fascination for watching movies the day it gets released), but we couldn’t get tickets, so we had to wait till Sunday.

Meanwhile. My hair grew 2 inches in anticipation.


And then. Alas! Raja Sen’s review on Rediff.com scares us greatly, but come Sunday and fortified by a few vodka swigs (my friend’s hubby, not me :) we set off to watch the much awaited multi-starrer.

I’m serious here. The one thing I would highly recommend the movie for is Rani’s… jewellery. And I kid you not. I have no idea where she (or her costume department) has been buying her jewellery, but I’ve taken copious notes and intend to write to them soon in the hope that they’ll reveal their sources.

Secondly, everyone in the movie is perfect. And frankly, on screen, I’d rather see them perfect, than the weak and flawed characters we are in real life. If you thought that it’s not possible to wear high heels while vacuuming, watch this movie and you’ll find out how wrong your perceptions are. In one cleaning scene, Rani is actually wearing clothes that you and I would wear to a party and high heels, looking like she walked out of the cover page of Femina. Thank you very much. Abhishek is the perfect husband. He’s loving, caring, doting and an absolute hunk to boot (and we all know, they don’t make ‘em like that anymore).

Back to the action. I actually got my thrills mostly through Abhishek (somebody tell me how and when he turned into such a hottie?) and father Amitabh. They have the best lines. Correction, Amitabh has the best lines. For example:
Abhi: Dude, what did you have for breakfast?
Amitabh (distracted): Hmm? What? Oh, I can’t remember her name.

Amitabh: If you do this for me, the Ferrari you love is all yours.
Abhi (looking scandalized): Dude, if you think you can buy me off with a bribe, you’re absolutely…. right! (High five).

Okay. Coming back to the shining aspect of the movie. Rani’s jewellery. Everything matches, from her blouse to her saree, to her eye make-up. (Note to myself: Damn. I need to work on my look).

Then there’s Preity with her dimples and high kick. You have to check her out executing a HIGH KICK during the song, Where’s the party tonight? You’re probably saying that anyone can execute a high kick, but try it with 10 inch heels, dude!

Preity rocks. Unfortunately she and Abhishek don’t get together in the end (spoiler, spoiler!). Sigh.

But let me be frank. I think Rani was definitely out of her mind in the movie. And I don’t mean this in a flattering way at all.

I mean, why (why on earth) would anyone in her right mind leave hunkalicious adoring Abhi (who actually loves her and worships the earth she walks on and says the nicest things to her and makes her feel like a queen!) for Shahrukh annoying Khan? Let’s face it - his twitches and extensive face movements cannot turn on a woman in her right mind. So what was Rani thinking?

The question I should be asking is: what was Karan Johar thinking?

I know, I sound confused, but I swear I actually enjoyed most of the movie. Till about one hour after the interval, which is where Johar should have ended it.

But, but… getting carried away by your own movie can be a hazard, as we learn from KANK. With four beautiful perfectly turned out stars (not to mention the crores he’s had to pay them) Johar tries his best to extend their screen time. After killing off Amitabh (another spoiler) he doesn’t know when to call the end an end. Basically, he doesn’t know when to say ‘ALVIDA” to his own movie.

Caught in this KANK dilemma, the last part gets a little painful. And Rani’s not wearing much jewellery anymore so there’s no distraction (for me, at least).

You literally feel like pushing them both of together (Rani and Shahrukh) but since this ain’t no interactive movie, one has to wait for another hour and a half. Meanwhile the years go by (another 3 years, and yet another spoiler).

Believe me, by the end of the movie, you’ll understand what it feels like when 3 years passes by in real time. There’s this song where its snowing and you literally feel like pulling your hair out and screaming, all right, enough already, just get them together and get on with your next movie, dude.

Anyway. I’m not saying it’s a bad movie. It’s quite enjoyable if you can get past these little irritants. Stylishly shot. Sitting in India, in the comfort of your plush seat, you get a glimpse of sights and sounds of New York in all its techni-colour glory. And there are some nice songs, my favourite ones being Mitwa and Where’s the party tonight. And some surprise guest appearances (I won’t spoil this one for you) but there’s another hottie who graces the screen for a bit).

And then (in case it’s slipped your mind) there’s Rani’s gorgeous jewellery and her colour coordinated clothes. Definitely worth the 100 bucks I spent on my ticket. Besides, I rarely ever have anything better to do on a Sunday afternoon.

Please do go and watch it and let me know what you thought of… Rani’s jewellery, of course. Manish Malhotra gains 10 brownie points for her wardrobe and I think I need a new one.