India & Around, Living, Photography
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And… another one bites the dust!

“But let there be spaces in your togetherness and let the winds of the heavens dance between you. Love one another but make not a bond of love: let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.” ~~ Kahlil Gibran

Ever since I’ve known R : she wanted to find the man of her dreams and get married. I’ve rarely met someone with that objective so clear in their mind! I remember watching the movie “Life in a Metro” and telling R how much Konkona’s character reminded me of her.

Over the years and our “singlehood”, R and I have had many discussions on finding “the right man”. One question she often had was how she would know for sure when he came along! How does one know, really? Much airtime has been wasted (or not) in discussing the lack of good men (really, where are the guys?!) and the fact that our good years were slowly fading away.

I mostly enjoyed playing an elder sisterly role and (in my infinite wisdom!) usually tried to impart, what I hope, was good advice. You will know, when you meet him, I said. Things will fall into place. When the stars align everything will work out! And so on and so forth. Through our heartbreaks and setbacks, I often told her that things that are destined to happen, will happen and surely they would happen to her too. Very soon. “You can’t rush things,” I said, they will happen when the time is right. Even my concerned dad took us to the famous Nabagraha temple in Guwahati while on a trip there and got our futures read to assure both of us that good things were in store.

Over the years, despite all my outward reassurances, I must admit that my own belief in love and romance, the institution of marriage, in happily wedded has received quite a knocking. Much as I would like to “believe” I have also seen so many signs to the contrary, resulting in cynicism creeping in and the rose coloured spectacles I wore when I was younger getting clouded. From being let down, from expectations not being met (and what is life without some expectation?) and from a lot of disconnect. Do I expect too much or are people just not interested? :-p

I would, of course, like to believe in love and romance, in finding “the one”, but it’s difficult to muster that blind faith anymore. When I was eighteen and starry eyed, yes. But older and wiser, as they say, and things don’t quite seem the same.

So despite it all, it gives me small pleasure that eventually R did meet the man of her dreams and tied the knot. While I watched – sometimes in admiration and sometimes in fascination at how fast things can move in someone else’s life (at least compared to mine!), I was thrilled to see R&A’s relationship develop, mature and go straight to the altar!

I for one, am so glad that R is finally hitched. At least that way we will now be spared of her existential questions (and multiple smses) like, “why not me?”, “where is the man I am supposed to marry?” and “when will I ever meet him?” and “why am I the unlucky one?’ These kind of questions, as you can imagine, are quite hard to answer ;-p

Through these years, R never gave up hope though. She went about her mission with admirable enthusiasm despite the many roadblocks! I think one thing I admire her for is her single minded focus about what she wanted. And maybe that worked in the end. She did find the man and she did make everyone including herself happy by tying the knot.

Meanwhile, I still wonder sometimes about life and love and its related complications. Though my mom often complains constantly about the “single status” of both her daughters, I jokingly ask her “why change what is working fine?” I try and convince her that at least we’re happy. But I realize that her goal is not our happiness, but of changing our status.

I still remain unsure about marriage and wedded bliss. (Or it might be for the simple reason that no one’s actually asked :-). Have I been on my own for too long now and gotten too used to it? What I do miss though is someone being an intrinsic part of my life and sharing and doing things together. And that is a partnership that is so much harder to achieve.

But a friend’s wedding always makes me happy. It’s a time for celebrations, for love, laughter and friends to get together. And to reinforce some of those faded beliefs.

For R&A, wishing both of them loads and loads of happiness and good times together.

R – the singles club will miss you! 🙂

A : we’ll be there when you need a shoulder to cry on :-p

Spouse: someone who’ll stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn’t have had if you’d stayed single. ~Author Unknown

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44 Comments

  1. sajith says

    You know what Google ads says here on the top?

    “You Can Find Your Life Partner in Next 10 Minutes. Search-Chat Today!”

    😉

  2. Pingback: Anonymous

  3. i have been reading your blog for quite some time..and since i have started my own web-space, you have been blog-rolled:))

    This was such a sweet post and thought-provoking for people like me with status set to S..:))i sometimes feel that right man is not the one who is ‘right’ by your standrads but right man is the one who come at the right time!! Timing matters…

  4. I hear you… We human are designed to want love n to be loved. I have ‘anywhere but here’/’why me’.. friend too. I hope the best for her. but I wonder why & what triggers- ‘thank god thatz not me’ to ‘why not me’…

    >>”my mom often complains constantly about the “single status” of both her daughters, I jokingly ask her “why change what is working fine?” I try and convince her that at least we’re happy. But I realize that her goal is not our happiness, but of changing our status.”

  5. dont worry..anita…listen to your own wisdom,the wisdom you parted to your friend. if you want it to happen, it will happen, someday. i know it can be very frustrating when you have everyone else around you question your ‘single status’ but hang in there.
    the pictures, as usual are beautiful..i love the colors. congratulations to your friend and hubby. may they find marital bliss!
    i gotta tellya..although i worried if i will ever find anyone, i enjoyed my single status thoroughly and didnt quite want to let it go in the fear of losing everything ..but now that i am married and am a mom, its beautiful…its still fun but of a different kind. i dont miss singlehood at all. take care..

  6. According to me no is perfect and there is nothing called THE RIGHT MAN …or THE PERFECT WIFE…. its all about both (man & woman) to make life perfect ! ..rather than looking at each other whether ur perfect or whether ur the right man or woman for me …!
    Luv, confidence and trust constitute a perfect blend of happy marraige …
    In a country of more than a billion people its a waste to look in for the right man or the perfect woman …

  7. AB, wonderful quote. At this stage of my life, that quote describes my feelings and suspicions to a tee. I need spacing. To continue with your quoted author’s metaphor, it is like the moon’s effect on the tides of the oceans. The tide rolls in and out, but there is a constancy and dependability to tides.

  8. Ekta Jhaveri says

    Hi Anita,

    I’ve been one of your ‘silent readers’…atleast for the past 4-5 years now. I’ve really really enjoyed reading your posts, esp the travelogues and the pictures. Your post on R’s marriage was beautiful too. I envy your single life sometimes:) Please continue to write (more often) and good luck in all your endeavors.

    -Ekta

  9. Your posts are always from a diff perspective and i love them!! and when gng thru these snaps i felt these snaps conveyed just that!!
    The importance of the rituals and actions that we all go thru during marriages have been brought out really well, which the professional wedding photographers never ever seem to be able to bring out 🙂
    Btw, regarding marriages i always feel that in todays context, staying married is much more difficult than getting married! and gng thru people with a fine comb and finding mr.right is better than settling for just anybody and learning to forgo things!! it just saves a lot of sadness, heavy hearts and disillusionment about the matrimonial system!!

  10. Im also like R, Who waited and got the mr Right 🙂
    Its more like meeting the right person at right time. I am sure he too will meet you 🙂

  11. Shalini says

    hi, i read your blogs and this is one has written feels very real, from the heart…beautifully written…

    i believe in relationships/ love an the works but as for finding mr right/ a true companion i totally agree..its worth a wait and there is one that special person for all…i just believe in that…

    once again..beautifully written and yeah the pics are SPECTACULAR

  12. @ sajith: hehe, desperate times calls for desperate measures 🙂

    @ wishesgalore: hey thanks! will drop by!

    timing is everything, ay? 🙂 ah well, i guess i will just have to wait and see!

    @ Yuva: i guess that is an innate desire that is hard to ignore 🙂 but mom is just being herself – a mom!

    @ Sukanya: yes, yes, don’t worry. if not anything, i will have a lot of white hair after imparting all my wisdom :0) not really frustrated, in fact sometimes i enjoy singlehood a little too much and i wonder if the other side of the coin is worth exploring at all! but of course, each stage should be enjoyed for its advantages. the rest is upto fate and destiny and whatever will be will be i guess!

    @ Sushanth: totally agree with that! it’s making it perfect, rather than hoping the person is perfect!

    @ Radman: thank you, though it’s not mine 😉 am glad it was appreciated though!

    @ Ekta: wow, you broke your silence after 4-5 years?!! i am honoured!

    and thank you for your wishes!

    @ kunjootty: is that your real name? ;-p thanks, glad you liked the pics!

    and you’re right about staying married as the hard part, that is so true in today’s times!

    @ Paavani: good things happen to those who wait? 🙂 sometimes the wait gets quite long though! but i am glad you met him 🙂 and thanks for the wishes 😉

    @ Shalini: thanks! and i think that’s totally the right attitude to have. though i do have my doubts once in a while, i try and remain optimistic never the less!

  13. Enchanting post. Some find the right person and marry. Others marry and then find love and are truly happy.

    It’s all luck, I guess. Aah…We fatalist Indians. Ultimately what happens is personal satisfaction and inner happiness…

  14. Trust me, the grass is always greener on the other side. I firmly believed that only a very good friend of mine can be my spouse and eventually something like this materialized. I am not cribbing about married life as such, not that it has restricted my life style in any manner but I still yearn for my single life.

    So take life as it comes, I agree there would be pressure from e’one around. But you know best what is good for you.

  15. Mukta says

    Wow! That was a heart-warming post. I must say though that some of those existential questions have been plaguing me too 🙂

  16. @ lostonthestreet: will do! have been a little tied up lately!

    @ Indscribe: “Others marry and then find love and are truly happy.” – it’s always amazing and almost unbelievable when this happens!

    luck… well, i guess it has its part to play 🙂

    @ V: well said! i am a true believer in taking life as it comes 🙂

    @ Mukta: thank you dear 🙂 i think those questions will haunt us for a long time to come!

  17. Your post made me go some two years back in time when I was searching for the “one” and would not quite admit it. On one hand the simplicity of singlehood grows on you and you don’t want to get out of that comfort zone. On the other, there’s this human craving for company – perhaps a best friend. But I have concluded — one should not tie the knot just coz one has to, to escape loneliness or ma-buggings.
    Sharing your space with the wrong person can be HELL. Better late….
    And Mr. Right exists! I wish you all the best!
    Take care
    P.S. I scrapped you on Orkut. Wanted to talk to you for a story on pets.

  18. @ nidarshana: i’ve never personally believed in “the one” so there’s no question of searching for this elusive person… i am just hoping that “right” doesn’t happen too late in life, when i am down and out, that’s all!! though it’s hardly within my control finally. whatever is meant to be, will be!

    i don’t really use orkut. do drop in a mail instead. anitabora at yahoo dot com.

  19. raahul says

    Upholding your single status after a certain age in Indian society is a daunting task, especially if you are a woman…….
    I know coz I have female friends who are single and on the wrong side of 30….
    everybody seems to be more interested in knowing when you are going to “settle down”……
    I am not yet 28, but I am already beginning to get inquiries from friends and family about my plans for putting an end to my singlehood :p
    and I liked what Nidarshana said – sharing your space with the wrong person can be hell :)……
    My best wishes for you Anita…….
    Thoroughly enjoyed ur post!!!

  20. I could have been the R in your story, in fact it almost felt you wrote about me…but I learnt one lesson in life few years back and that is ‘ I am responsible for my own happiness’ irrespective of anything and anyone. While you are single enjoy the envy of those who do not have independence like you and once you find your partner, you will enter into the matrimony with a life well lived behind you and hence with a confidence to lead at least similar life if not better.

  21. hey Anita..been following your blog since sometime..
    I am 28 yr old spinster who looked high and low in this city…but also was scared of changes that couple-dom would bring in. I met a chap and he is nice and everything…very loving and trying his best…What I want to share is that…I am longing for that days where I was single and carefree…well most of the time…I had my freedom and nobody to ask…relationships are difficult..esp to sustain them…I am fighting all the time to keep the flame burning…its draining sometimes.
    so…enjoy your time…truly and awesome time I say! Men will come and go..

  22. Hi
    You picked up a beautiful quote. As everyone has echoed – the bottom line – lies in happiness – whether alone or as a couple.
    Happy Ugadi.

  23. Uday says

    Another lurker (for years now!)is flushed out. Your best post ever – and that is saying something. I guess I’m lucky. Met my wife at Uni 35 years ago and in Dec our daughter got married to her (English) boyfriend in India in the same joint family house and garden that we got married in 30 years ago.

    I hope she has a happy marriage – she says she is inspired by her parents marriage – but who knows! The best thing in my life is having met my wife and knowing that there is someone I can be completely open with.

    Our daughter knows marriages need working on – we’ve been through very difficult times and, from a very young age, she has seen us trying to work things through – mainly by talking but sometimes with tantrums and anger.

    I’m originally from Bangalore so I love reading your blog – keep going and I am sure you will find someone to share your life with and I wish you all the best though it may mean we’ll see less of you on the blog?

  24. @ raahul: yes, it does get challenging sometimes but i think it’s more well accepted than earlier and that’s progress 🙂

    and thanks, glad you enjoyed it!

    @ Anuradha: i guess the story would ring a bell with a lot of folks! and i think every phase in life is to be enjoyed so i am determined to do that 🙂

    @ Rekha: nice of you to leave a comment 🙂 relationships definitely need a lot of hard work, that is true! and it has to be worth it, else one doesn’t really feel like putting in any effort.

    @ Lubna: thank you! and same to you 🙂 and you’re absolutely true. single/married/in between – one should be happy where one is!

    @ Uday: thank you for crawling out of the woodworks. glad that one of my posts made you do that! 35 years ago – a big congratulations from me – i am sure that takes a lot of work and effort. i wonder sometimes how much kids are affected by what they see in their own parents when they are growing up and to what extent their views about marriage and relationships are shaped by it. i am sure that would be an interesting insight but if your daughter is inspired, then it’s saying a lot! and i am glad you enjoy reading my blog… but i don’t think that assumption is correct 🙂 i don’t think i’ll go away in a hurry!

    @ Arjun: ahem, i hope that doesn’t mean time is ticking away for me? 🙂

  25. I’m glad that I landed on your blog. It is interesting.
    As far as this post is concerened, I must tell you that I can really relate with it- your opinion & thoughts on this 🙂
    It was almost like reading my own mind 🙂

  26. My mom says, its parents now and spouse in future who always support till end.
    When my mom was ill for a month, dad served her selflessly than I could. I think, its spouse who takes care till the end; neither friends nor children. Just my two cents.

  27. Re: ” …meanwhile, I still wonder sometimes about life and love and its related complications.” Since ‘marriage’ is excluded in that line, you have no idea how much trouble you actually have avoided. Enjoy your single life! 😉

  28. Anonymous says

    Well said. I used to a bit of R and a bit of you. I yearned for the right man and I loved my single status. On the one hand, I longed to be cared for deeply and went to every party hoping to meet “the” guy. On the other hand, purple women were holding on to their toads thinking that a single woman was desperate enough to be out to get their toads. I had got so used to meeting disappointments in my life that I stopped caring. I went ahead and met them headlong. And suddenly, one worked. I was surprised. I didn’t mean for all this to happen. I dreamed of it but never planned it. I did wonder about it with girlfriends who got tired of answering. But there it goes…like you said…when the stars align themselves… 🙂

  29. manu says

    Hi Anita

    I felt the same about R and her similarity with konkana herself…WOW….and about the blog,its wonderfully put across…i really enjoyed it.

  30. I too am a part of the Singles club and I do wonder why I am still single! I could relate myself to your description of R to quite an extent 😀 and I believe there will be a ‘happy ending’ for me and for all the rest of us in the club.
    I can’t really specify what I’m looking for but I know I want to look some more. The sparks, the chemistry, the comfort – how can I give up on all of that and just settle? Am I asking for too much? Or am I heavily influenced by the movies and just want it to be perfect? I think somewhere deep down I am still eighteen and starry eyed and I have a feeling, maybe even you are 🙂

    Loved reading the post!

  31. Anjali says

    I so sometimes wonder just like you…
    Is there really someone!
    Or am i so used to being single that i’m not sure if i want to explore the other side..
    Then again i still want to share my life with tht special someone..If i ever find one..
    Heart Breaks are so painful that i don’t know if i really would want to give myself a second chance …….Why is life so confusing ?Why me is always a questions that i have wanted an answer for and never found..Move on they say …There is hope they say…You will find someone they say…Everything happens with time they say ….

    Will it ever !!!!!! 🙂

  32. @thej: thanks!

    @Rhapsody: thanks! and nice to know you related to it!

    @Manasa: yes, true. but it only works if the spouses have built that kind of a relationship over the years. in many cases, that doesn’t happen either.

    @ kunjootty: okay! 🙂

    @ Ravi: thanks! it’s good to know that. but where have you disappeared? you married people never have any time I think!

    @ Anonymous: 🙂 yeah, when the stars align i guess!

    @ manu: thanks!

    @ Maddy: so it’s not out of choice, i assume? 🙂
    i am not sure about “happy endings” but i am sure that things will happen when the time is right. the sparks will fly! one can have hope at least 🙂 and it’s something to look forward to. starry eyed, not anymore. but yes, hope… i will live in eternal hope!!

    @ Anjali: it will, it will! heartbreaks are painful but i think they are one of those necessary evils in life 🙂

  33. Hi, Enjoyed reading your blog and those are some great pictures! There is nothing more magical than attending a wedding,especially if it is of a close friend, no matter how much ur ideas have changed over the years, it makes u believe in love, fate & destiny all over again!

  34. Shan says

    Its a nice way of putting things Anita, in life nothing happens until and unless we want it to happen. People do come to our life and love us, because we want that shoulder to rest and shed the tears. We the singles enjoy the singlehood, because there are some people providing us with resources to stay single, may be the kins or the friends or the job we love to do…imagine life without the thing you want most in your life, u must feel lonely, one needs to be very tough to face that….

  35. Subeer says

    On your question “where are the guys”? I would like to pose a question in return. Why is it that in the most populous contry in the world with a remarkably high number of young people on top of a male skewed gender ratio do we not have ‘suitable boys’?

    I hear this often, and mostly let it pass but as u seem like the reflective sort, I thought you may find it interesting to delibrate.

    Passing thought;
    “There is only one thing that makes a dream impossible to achieve: the fear of failure.” – David Deida

  36. Anita,
    I have been a silent reader of your blog and love it.

    This is a great post and I love your colorful pictures.

    I sincerely believe that you should make the most of what life throws at you. If you are single, then embrace it….take advantage of your independence and go out and try everything you want to without stopping yourself.Become the envy of all your married friends. Become an Anita Bora….who travels, runs, bikes and has fun!!
    As for the perfect man…..it will be easier for him to find you when you are having fun and being happy!

  37. Hi Anita
    I have recently started reading your blog and love your style and the natural flow your writing has.
    I liked this entry for the different angles that it has exposed and this topic sits open for discussion for ever and ever and ever…. 🙂

    I think its all about the attitude towards life. About wanting to be happy and spread the happiness. Single/Married..does that really matter? I am married with a 1.5 yr old baby. Its lovely. I was happy when I was single too. I think every stage of the life has its own beauty and grace. Nothing is perfect and wanting to make everything perfect only makes one unhappy. word like marital bliss, made for each other etc. are for books not for real life. After a point all these superficial things fade and what remains is the core…a companionship, a friendship. If thats healthy enough life seems beautiful. I am lucky to have married my best friend who follows a principle ‘live and let live..’ and give me a lot of space.
    Sonal

  38. reading all this feels like reading about myself…but i jus dont know how to wait for the right one in my surroundings where marriages are arranged and asked to chose from the few if u cant find someone yourself… if have not found the right man till now,should i settle with my parents choice or wait till my heart says…so confusing!!!:((

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