How dare you dance in Bangalore? says enraged Big Brother (BB).

If Big Brother’s been watching over us wayward citizens in Bangalore, can he but not make an appearance in Chennai?

How dare you kiss in Chennai? BB is enraged.

Though I’m not doing much of any of the two, I am still wondering “What next?”

Imagine, feeling like a criminal because you kissed your husband/boyfriend on the dance floor? Or that you were caught dancing at a club? Caught dancing? Cheee!

Welcome to Chennai and Bangalore. South India’s most happening cities…

I am thinking of what our creative Big Brothers will think of:

– A law that orders us to eat only INDIAN food at restaurants (i.e. if they don’t pass a law before that banning eating in restaurants altogether so people start cooking at home and spending more time in their well done-up kitchens).

– Or one that does not allow you to hold bf/gf/hubby’s hand while walking in public places (Though more men will get affected by this! Have you noticed the number of men who hold hands?!). However, I digress. Make sure you walk at least 10 metres away from the person you’re with. This will of course, make it impossible to walk in a place like Forum or Garuda. Eventually, people will stop flocking there. And then the places will become peaceful and empty. What a brilliant idea! I think BB is onto something here.

– Or one that will put sensors in our houses so we are back and in bed by 8.30. Good model citizens, upholding Indian culture, I say. Watch television. Oops sorry, cablewallah on strike, but I am sure you’ll find another more productive occupation. NO, not that though!

– Or one that says you can only make babies on Mondays, Thursdays and Sundays. Actually, make that Thurdays and Sundays only. (This might also actually bring down our population drastically 😉 Though, as a result of keeping everyone home (no kissing, no dancing, no eating, no walking around holding hands) people might just stay at home all the time being good Indian citizens and cleaning their cupboards (anything but THAT, folks!). What a scary thought, that.

I am really wondering if any of these smart folk passing these very smart laws are watching music television these days? I am not sure some of those moves are legal…

So, my fellow citizens in Chennai and Bangalore, get your act together. Stop kissing, dancing and indulging in other such ‘un-Indian’ activities and stick to what you do best. Making India the world’s most populated country of the world in the next 10 years.

Forget the streets and infrastructure going to the dogs. Forget flyovers which take THREE to FOUR years to build (and contractors who run away). Forget the road before my freaking house, which has been under repair for the last nine months (while people have delivered millions of babies!).

Forget the fact that it takes the united force of the Big Brothers a total of 15 years, thousands of panel discussions, and several government changes to decide what kind of a mass public system the city needs. Meanwhile, watch the city disintegrating before your very eyes. It’s harder and harder to get to work (or get anywhere for that matter). But don’t worry about these or any other insignificant matters of life. Law and order issues? No problems! This is India after all. Everything take time, no?

What is important, model Indian citizens is that you don’t kiss and dance. That is the bottom line of all that is IMPORTANT and CRUCIAL to being good citizens. So fellow bloggers (and whoever’s reading this) get your lips off your neighbour, husband, wife or wherever they are planted and your legs off the dance floor, please. In fact, don’t even try doing a jig in the bathroom.

Be scared, be very scared. You never know where they’re tracking you now…

9 thoughts on “Big brother’s watching!

  1. I was once asked to get off a park bench by a fat cop in Bangalore because I was sitting with a friend who happened to be a girl! We did get offended but we did not want to put ourselves down to his standard and resist so we quietly walked away.

    Another incident in Madurai!
    I whistle a lot, most of the time I am whistling a song that I have recently heard or songs I’ve heard in the church. My dad used to whistle but he gave up after I started 🙂
    One morning before we started lectures in university, my fiends and I where standing outside the class and chatting. I as usual was whistling some tune. I did not notice a lady walk past until she called out towards our group. I did not know this lady and thought she must have been a visitor lost in the campus. A friend next to me went to help her find her way. She send him back saying she wanted to speak to me. She was not very polite when I did go meet her.

    Lady: Who are you whistling at?
    Me: Do I have to whistle at someone?
    Lady: What is your name?
    Me: I say my name.
    Lady: Which department are you from?
    Me: Mathematics.
    Lady: Shame on you that someone studying mathematics is whistling.
    Me: Guess I should study English Literature just to be allowed to whistle.

    I walked away after this and did not bother to speak to her. Later I found out that she was a lecturer from the Tamil department!

  2. And to think people in D.C. are posting about boinking in the men’s room while clubbing…or shirtless Thursdays at the Green Lantern. My, my, my.

    Washington Cube Was Here. #40

  3. Is it that bad in Bangalore? We all look to it as a refuge. In fact, a group of us are making an escape there Friday night. You’re the first person I’ve ever heard describing Chennai as ‘happening’. It may be happening, but like this article notes, mostly in all the wrong ways…

  4. Yeah, and I guess BB doesn’t watch a lot of music television.

    Considering the law of averages, it makes perfect sense — keeping sex (or anything in its name) off the streets (and society in general) only increases it’s amounts in the household, leading to the awesome productivity of our country.

    I’m telling you, the planning commision should stop all the “One is Fun” nonsense and sponsor strip joints accross the country.

  5. Its absolutely freaky to see how many guys hold hands. I’ve seen it go to the extent of even beeing called cuddling in some cases. No wonder firangs think we are a very gay friendly society ! 🙂

    I guess the root of the problem, as with the case of the dance bars, is that BB believes that this knee jerk reaction solves the ‘problem’. Traffic accidents late at night will be non-existent because people cannot stay up late partying now. Yeah ? Tell that to the dumbass lorry driver who rammed into the side of Madras Sappers a while ago (or the building next door, I forget).

    This gives the politicians and the moral police the feeling that yeah, we have solved the problem. In the meanwhile, they can conviniently ignore infrastructure, rape, crime, fat corrupt cops and politicians, harassment and a whole variety of other issues.

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